Each week, we look at the biggest celebrity news—and amuse ourselves by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted. Join us as we tweet with George Clooney, craft with Lady Gaga, and visit the Jolie-Pitt kitchen.
12 Years a Slave receives enthusiastic praise at the Toronto Film Festival, earning early frontrunner status in the Oscar race.
George Clooney leans back in a leather armchair. He pours a glass of whiskey, finger-tracing the DVD screener for The Monuments Men. He sighs, and then, resolved, logs onto his secret Twitter account (@LakeComoDude111). “12 Years a Slave? More like 12 Years Until The Credits Roll.” He lets out a high-pitched giggle and clicks “Tweet.”
Britney Spears films the music video for her upcoming single “Work Bitch.”
“Shouldn’t there be, like, I dunno, a comma after ‘Work’. . .?” Jamie Lynn asks.
“Huh?”
“Without a comma, it looks like, you know, like it’s about someone’s bitch at work, like an intern everyone bosses around.”
Will.i.am just grunts.
“Well, I guess I shouldn’t be expecting you of all people to be making reasonable decisions when it comes to punctuation.”
Bruno Mars to play the Super Bowl halftime show.
Miley Cyrus, still swinging on that wrecking ball in her white crop top, howls into the abyss, “Super Bowl?!? More like Super Wack! Good luck getting anyone to tweet or write think pieces about your boring halftime show! You want this tongue!?! You can’t have it! This tongue isn’t going anywhere!”
Billy Ray Cyrus looks up from the guitar he’s plaintively strumming. “Miley, for one thing, since when has that tongue ever stayed put? For another, you really think they were considering you for a live international telecast?! Goddamn baby Lily from Modern Family was probably higher on their list.”
Lady Gaga performs a Wizard of Oz–themed version of “Applause” on Good Morning America.
“Wizard of Oz?” her assistant asks.
“Yeah,” Gaga sighs as she scotch tapes Googly eyes onto a papier-mache yellow fin, “At this point, I just open Wikipedia, and whatever’s the Featured Article, that’s the concept for the performance.”
Brad Pitt cuts his shoulder-length hair, debuting a new buzz cut.
Brad enters the kitchen. Zahara Jolie-Pitt looks up and mutters, “Thank God. It was starting to feel like Duck Dynasty around here.”
Kris Humphries is putting up Kim Kardashian’s engagement ring for auction.
Kim walks into Kourtney’s room holding a few items. “Kourt, I decided I’m going to auction off what the doofus left here! Two can play this game.”
“What did he leave you?”
Kim looks dejectedly at what’s in her hands.
“A pair of grey sweatpants that say ‘BALLER’ on the butt, and this McDonald’s bag with three leftover French fries in it.”
Tom Hanks serves on a jury in a domestic violence case.
One of the jurors turns to another during a coffee break. “Doesn’t it feel like we’re just in a Tom Hanks movie? I mean, it totally seems like a character he would play, right? Good-natured, affable, perhaps slightly slow adult who somehow finds himself a juror in a grisly case. . .”
“Yes, and he’s going to have to save the day by convincing all of us to see the world through his overly simplistic, Panglossian worldview.”
“Oh my God, and he’s totally going to fall in love with Brenda, Juror #6, isn’t he? The one with the cardigan and the ‘Oh, am I in your way?’ vibe? He’s going to bump into her by the water fountain later today, I’m calling it now.”
Justin Bieber sports a peach-fuzz mustache at New York Fashion Week.
Justin texts Selena Gomez a selfie (“waddup. check it.”).
Selena turns to her manager. “You know those Web sites where you can mash up two faces into one? This looks a Cabbage Patch Kid blended with John Waters.”
