Now that Novak Djokovic is finally on a plane back to Europe and the summer’s most bizarre news story has come to a thrilling end (or has it?), there are no prizes for guessing what happens next: the real-life drama will be turned into a TV series.

Dramatising the news cycle has become a smart way for TV executives to keep their fingers on the pulse and tap into our appetite for reliving the recent past. Last year, ABC tackled the devastation of Black Summer with their six-part series Fires and this year, the owner of this masthead, Channel Nine, will tell the story of missing Sydney businesswoman Melissa Caddick in Underbelly: Vanishing Act.

Given the global interest in Djokovic’s entry, detention and subsequent deportation from Australia, networks would be mad not to jump on the bandwagon of turning high-profile news into highbrow TV.

Rather than wait to see what is served up, we’ve decided to get in early and pitch our own idea for a limited series. Initial working titles included The Game (too HBO), Disgrace of an Ace (too rhyme-y) and Border Security (too taken).

Ultimately, our roundtable agreed that the Djokovic saga boasts all the hallmarks of a gripping true-crime series, so it will be named Civil Order Risk. And as it turns out, there are already some high-profile names attached to our proposed project.

Novak Djokovic / Jake Gyllenhaal

Credits for Civil Order Risk would boast Novak Djokovic played by Jake Gyllenhaal.

As the beating heart of Civil Order Risk, the role of Djokovic requires serious chops. You need someone who can capture the Serbian’s simmering intensity while also playing a top athlete convincingly. For this reason, we’ve gone with Jake Gyllenhaal, an actor with a proven track record of tackling psychologically complex subjects (see: Prisoners, Donnie Darko, Jarhead and Nightcrawler).

Gyllenhaal is also in impeccable condition (see: Southpaw) and is more than up to the challenge of recreating Djokovic’s gruelling physical endeavours, like sitting for a nine-hour interview with Immigration.

Film stars turning to TV has become a popular trend, and if Gyllenhaal nails the role, Civil Order Risk might just be his Mare of Easttown. To keep things in the family, we’ve also reached out to Jake’s sister, Maggie, to play both of Novak’s brothers, Marko and Djordje Djokovic.

Scott Morrison / Paul Giamatti
Paul Giamatti would make the ideal PM on the small screen. Here’s hoping Jenny is a fan of Billions.

Between late-night phone calls to Serbian Prime Minister Ana Brnabić and early morning press conferences to boast about our non-discriminatory border, Prime Minister Scott Morrison was a no-brainer for Civil Order Risk.

But it’s not easy to find someone who can channel Morrison’s strange combination of Suburban Dad Energy and salesman slickness. Enter: Paul Giamatti.

The Billions star is as versatile as they come, and it doesn’t hurt that he already bears an uncanny resemblance to the Prime Minister.

Australian Border Force official who questioned Djokovic at 3:30am/ Jackie Weaver

Medical exemption? Not on my watch.

Upon arrival in Australia, Djokovic was questioned by Australian Border Force officers over eight hours. And while we don’t know their names or who they are, the transcript of those conversations includes some excellent one-liners.

At one point, an agent tells Djokovic he can have “like, you know, 20 minutes – or whatever,” to provide reasons why his visa shouldn’t be revoked. Then there is the moment an agent reminds Djokovic that Australia “is pretty much governed by the federal government.”

Using the transcripts, we’ve created a composite character, a fed-up Border Force officer who has no time for some fancy-schmancy tennis player with his alleged exemption.

Played by Jackie Weaver, the character is tired, unhinged and just about ready to snap. Think she’s impressed by your 20 Grand Slams? You should see her playing Candy Crush on her lunch break.

Minister for Immigration Alex Hawke / Ethan Hawke

Ethan Hawke (right) will have a star turn as Immigration Minister Alex Hawke.

Take one look at the boyish features of 44-year-old Immigration Minister Alex Hawke, and you can’t help but be reminded of the perpetually youthful Ethan Hawke. Sometimes casting decisions are all in the name.

Chief Justice James Allsop/ Jack Thompson

Objection! Sustained! Australian actor Jack Thompson (right) would be perfectly cast as Chief Justice James Allsop.

Few actors can summon the respect and wisdom required to play Federal Court of Australia Chief Justice James Allsop like Jack Thompson.

Gavel in hand, the legendary actor would be breathtaking in the final court scene as he upholds the cancellation of Djokovic’s visa and declares, “DEPORT! DEPORT! DEPORT!”

An Oscar-worthy supporting actor role? Perhaps. Logies? Definitely.

Bernard Tomic / Himself

Bernard Tomic may not have a shirt, but he definitely has Covid.CREDIT:GETTY

Every good drama needs a solid side plot, and amidst the distraction of Novak’s detention, we also enjoyed the Bernard Tomic sideshow. The former tennis prodigy rocked up to an Australian Open qualifying match with freshly peroxided hair and proceeded to diagnose himself with COVID-19 mid-match.

“I’m sure in the next two days I will test positive, I’m telling you,” Tomic said to the chair-umpire. “I will buy you [the chair-umpire] dinner if I don’t test positive in three days, otherwise you buy me dinner.”

In a shock twist, Tomic did indeed test positive, which would make for a gripping finale. Having failed to qualify for the Australian Open, we’ve offered the role of Bernard Tomic to Bernard Tomic.

The Channel Seven News Anchors / Themselves
Sometimes the best way to conquer a scandal is to lean into it, which is why Channel Seven news anchors Rebecca Maddern and Mike Amor have agreed to shoot a cameo recreating their now-infamous hot mic gaffe.

Watching Maddern turn to her co-host and whisper, “Whatever way you look at it, Novak Djokovic is a lying, sneaky, a–hole,” will undoubtedly be one of the TV moments of 2022.